Sometimes the most unexpected things happen and it makes me wonder where it is supposed to lead me. They say for anything good, half of it is timing and the other half is luck. Well, everyone knows that when it comes to luck, I lack big time. And timing? I don't even want to get into that. So typically if something good does happen, I'm skeptical that it will last.

I did however make a promise to myself on my birthday just weeks ago that I will try the next time opportunity knocks. Niels told me tonight that this was more than a knock--it was a slap in the face hah! Live not in the past or for the future, but cherish the moments right now. Live in the present and do what makes me happy...

Easy to say, so difficult to do.

I just finished watching a movie with R and I should be trying to go to sleep but I don't feel tired at all. I think that it's because my mind now is so accustomed to sleeping around 3am that it does not know to be sleepy at any time before that. OR it could just be that my mind has been in overdrive all day.

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately and how everything makes me so angry. I've turned into one of those people that I have always hated. I'm negative about everything. I get into arguments with everyone because of my negativity and I wonder if there is something that I can do to change it. I don't like who I've become. It scares me to think that I may not be that optimistic girl that I once was ever again because it was always her that got me through the toughest times.

I keep rereading what D wrote as his Facebook status today--"When I was younger, my eyes were closed and I couldn't see what i really wanted. I was unsure of who i wanted to be with and I regret that in my past I picked out the wrong ugly girl. I am very happy now because I'm with the right one Jessica Li. My life has taken a positive turn and I am thankful for who I am with. The smile I have on my face now can't compare with anything I have had ever". Wow, really D? The wrong ugly girl? I wonder to myself why anyone would say something like this publicly. I'm so angry that he had the audacity to say something like this and even more angry that it's assumed to be about my baby sister but the most hurtful part is that I expected better from him. This man I once called my little brother. It's heart-breaking. I have so many things that I want to say to him but all of these things seem too inappropriate to have in writing. The one good thing that came out of this is that I finally deleted both him and his new two-faced girlfriend from my friends list. Seems immature maybe to some people, the whole deleting friends thing. I know because I think that too but I cannot justify pretending to be friends with people who are blatantly disrespectful, least of all those two. For the record, they could have called me any horrible name they could come up with but to say something like that about on of the most important people in my life does not strike a good chord with me. So for now, they are both shitlisted. Along with all the others that only pretend to be friends to our faces.

I have also had this overwhelming feeling lately that I just can't do anything right. Everything I do or say always makes someone angry. It's like I constantly have to choose who I want to hurt. It's so exhausting.

So what do you do when nothing goes right? When everything that you believed to be good is only in your imagination? I know of one solution and it's one that I feel like I've used my whole life. I'm going to go to sleep, hope for a dream of the girl that I wish was lying next to me, and wake up tomorrow pretending like it's a fresh start to something better.

I think of myself as having tons of flaws. I'm never on time. To anything. I'm generally a messy person because growing up, I always had my grandma picking up after me. Now, all grown-up, I hate cleaning my apartment. I make horrible financial decisions. I am a workaholic. I am a procrastinator. I have a horrible temper. I also don't take care of myself very well. But of all of these things, the one thing that I hate the most about myself is the way that I have these crazy expectations for others. Some call me self-righteous. I used to get so offended and now I feel like I have no choice but to just accept this fact.

I was really disappointed today by someone that I expected a lot from. I don't know why I had those expectations in the first place and I'm not even exactly sure how I feel about everything right now. But I am so incredibly angry at myself. And I don't know how to make this feeling go away.

The last time I wrote in this journal it was about a girl that I could not forget. Now, over a year later, I still think about her on occasion but it no longer hurts like it does before. It really is astonishing how time can heal things that we think will never get better. But it doesn't mean that we aren't scarred because really? Wounds heal, scars don't. I've learned something in the last year about love and relationships and it's that they always will suck--at the same time though, there will always be those moments that feel amazing up until the sucky parts. These moments will always make the pain worth it.

I was told that I should write you a letter. Unlike the others that I have written already, this one was supposed to be the one that sets me free or I guess it will supposedly give me the closure I need to let it all go. I don't even know how to begin it really.

When we first started to get to know each other, I was a little bit hesitant because I wasn't sure of the motives behind it all. You were so sweet to me and yes, you were already beautiful but the way you made me feel on the days that seemed difficult to get through made you even more radiant to me. All of that was so unexpected and it was all so nice. At least for a while. I don't remember when things started to become different between us though, but I can remember how I felt when it did. I'd like to believe that we started what was to be a friendship based on honesty, something you told me from the beginning that you valued very much, and yet I feel like I'm left in the dark about what you are feeling now. With the thought of a romantic relationship aside, I do not even know what happened to the friendship that we began to build. It is my hope that you can at least tell me what happened to that.

This next part of the letter if supposed to be me telling you how I feel about you. Silly really because it will no longer matter when it's all said and done. I do need you to know though. That I really do care about you. To what extent? I really cannot say. I do feel that I'm mature enough to know that it's not love nor lust but something that I cannot exactly put into words. You should know that I want you to be happy because I love to hear your laugh and I want good things and people to come into your life because I love to see your smile. I know only a few things that make you truly happy and I wish that you can hold those things close to your heart forever. And I'm sure that you will.

With all that said, the final thing I need you to know is that I will always be here for you if or when you need. I really do consider it a blessing that we were able to cross paths and I know that someday I will be enlightened with the reason for it all.

Sincerely Yours,
V

It's been nearly five months and she's still a complete mystery to me. It makes me hate living so far away. It makes me resent not having my shit together already so I could just pick up and leave. If it really does all come down to luck and timing to determine whether or not two people can be together, then this time I had all the luck but horrible timing.

I realized that the most painful feeling in the world is not being able to help what you think about whenever you don't have other things to preoccupy your time and your mind. My conscious mind is busy thinking about work most of the time. Busy thinking about my bills and other everyday things. But the second that I'm not thinking about those things the only thing I CAN think about is her. I think about whether or not we will ever meet or if she will ever even pick up my phone calls. I was wondering today how happy I would be if I could just see her smile at me just one time. A smile that was just for me. Completely one-sided I think. But I'm okay with that because it is so nice thinking about her even if it makes me miserable. A couple of days ago, my subconscious mind told me that she had occupied that as well. I now see her in my dreams. Every time I close my eyes, we are holding hands or she's just sitting in my lap or we're laying next to each other. WHY?!! Why can't I just get you out of my head? Can't you see that it's hurting me?

I wish I could just tell you face to face. I want a chance to show you that I can be the person you want to be with. Take the distance away. Take the doubts that you have away and just tell me like you did before that you still want this as much as I do.

I want to find something that will help me to stop thinking about you. I don't even know why everything I do reminds me of you when we have never done a single thing together. That's just the way I am I guess. Once again too eager to hand over my heart though this time, it was different. Different because you didn't even want to hold on to it. So I can't be upset with you because you never hurt it. I did. I let it slip out of my hand without even making sure someone wanted to catch it. How stupid.

I got weak and called yesterday. Then even weaker when I messaged you today. But I will not be weak anymore. I can't afford to lose myself for someone that can't do the same. I've done that too many times. I hope that you can understand. You made me really happy for a while and I was holding on to that like it was my life raft. But I'm 25 and I need to learn how to keep my head above water. On. My. Own. Goodbye Lauren. Maybe for now, maybe forever.

a lot of people seem to care what others think about them.  why do they hate me?  why do they not like me?  why do i have to prove myself to people that don't really actually matter to me??  why why why??? for me, the biggest question is not why people hate me or not like me but in my specific situation, why is it that they don't acknowledge my existence at all?  granted, i don't know those people very well but i was once living in the same area, and they've heard about me (because let's face it, the lesbian community in all places but the big cities are so small that everyone knows everyone).  one of them is bound to know that victoria does exist but... no.  i get nothing.  did i really not make an impression at all? the more important question is why do i even care?